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Men have that little part in their brain that always wants to gasp onto an amazing moment that has just happened and hold onto it forever, or is always dreaming of an amazing thing that might one day happen. It never really gets to live in the moment and experience the greatness that is life as it is happening to us. Does that make us better dreamers and more adept at forming great structures or businesses around amazing visions we have in our heads. Does it make us more susceptible to addictive disease because we might never be fulfilled as much as we would like to be? What is that part of our brain that makes us think of these things constantly, and why? 

I have two levels of conflict resolution: 

1. Lets talk it out like civilized human beings, accepting and learning from our own faults and the faults of the one we have a conflict with.

2. I completely eliminate you from my life. 

Arguments, fights, screaming, cussing, etc is all horrible for me personal growth. I cannot have a friendship or relationship with someone who is not capable of resolving a disagreement like a civilized person. If it is a topic of opinion that we cant agree on, lets just not talk about it anymore. Other than that lets work it out by talking and apologizing for ways we may have wronged each other and move on.

I never read the pamphlet?

So I have somewhat of a pet peeve I suppose. It bothers me when you ask someone a question about a topic and their response is something like “I never read the pamphlet.” or “No one ever told me (about the topic).”This is ok in situations that are concerning concrete facts, but not on a topic that is based on a persons opinion of a subject. I am getting more and more responses of avoidance (as I like to call them) and it bothers me. Is it that people no longer are capable of forming their own opinions on a subject? I doubt it. I think it is more along the lines of people want to have that ‘out’ in every situation. People arent used to having a spirited conversation on a topic of opinion anymore, which is upsetting because this is where wisdoms blade is sharpened. If people do have a conversation on a subject it is often in a internet setting through text where at least if they are stymied in the conversation they can simply shut the electronic devise off and pretend it never happened, never having to actually think about whether their stance on a situation is accurate or could have flaws.

I love animals.

I love animals more that I enjoy the company of humans. With animals there is no way to communicate with a spoken language. There is an understanding between you and the animal of what is expected from each of you in the relationship. There will never be a worry whether they appreciate you for the relationship you have, and they should never worry that you appreciate them for the same reasons. There is no confusion, your feelings for each other don’t get convoluted in a language. There is just an understanding of mutual love and respect.

Anxiety and Flashbacks

I haven’t had an anxious evening like this in a long time. The little flashes started a couple of hours ago, I didn’t think much of it at first. I had one little flash last week for the first time in a long time it was just here, and then went. Tonight has been much more like it used to be, it worries me alot. I’m just laying in bed watching tv and I get this kind of tight feeling in my chest, I can hear my blood pumping almost. Its going fast, too fast. I begin to wonder why my body is betraying me, but I can’t think of anything that would have brought this on. I try not to think about it so I turn back to the tv, its hard not the cuthunk-cuthunk of blood in my ears or my chest feeling constricted, but I manage to ease through and it goes away. Then over the last couple of hours it has happened a few more times. Now I am wondering again, why? Nothing has changed, I have worries but nothing different than it has been for the past few months. I thought this issue had mostly gone away since I achieved sobriety, I truly hope this does not become a recurring issue. 

Unrelated, but a Marine should never have to wake up to helicopters circling over his house when he is home. Talk about freaked out when you wake up but don’t want to open your eyes cause your scared being home was just a dream. Then you take inventory of your surroundings and notice whatever your laying on is far too soft to be an ISO mat on plywood which allows you to open your eyes. Happy to see your home, but still needing to figure out what this helicopter is doing hovering over your house. Apparently they thought it would be awesome to have a helicopter drop easter eggs for the kids in the big field behind the school right next to my house. I will admit if I was a kid I would have thought that was pretty sweet tho. 

Dwelling on negativity

I haven’t really been doing a whole lot these past couple of weeks. Before that I had been doing AT LEAST ONE THING every day that hopefully would move me towards something better. I had gotten so good that I had built what I became to think of as an unbreakable barrier between myself and my addictions. Is complacency an addiction? I think it fits all the requirements, but thats neither here nor there. I thought that I had even built my barrier so high that complacency couldn’t creep in. 

Then a couple of weeks ago it started, of course at the time I didn’t realize that. I had mostly given up on finding a job, and thought I would substitute getting a job with working on a couple of business ideas that I really believe in. With the added time I had during the day not walking around practically begging for a job, I decided to plant a garden. It would be great to have a garden! So I started working on that on a Thursday. Working outside in the heat most of the day loosening the soil. Then it was time for my evening run that I do all weekdays. But I was tired I had been outside all day “Ill take today off.” I finished up with the flower bed on friday afternoon, not getting anything accomplished towards getting a job, and friday evening I also didn’t go run. 

I also broke my pull up routine during this time, which seems inconsequential but it is not. With each of these things that separately seem like no big deal I was tearing down my wall brick by brick from the base. After getting my flower bed all set up, the next week flew by. I only ran a couple of times because it was easier for me to accept an excuse. I didn’t need to worry about looking for a job because I had these other plans that I was “working on.” I go to group therapy meetings each week, and I convinced myself that I was “taking a mental break week” I had opened myself up to the most intensive therapy for 4 months and I deserved a break. 

People kept reassuring me that I was still doing well, by all outward appearances I am doing just fine. But I have allowed this complacency to creep in too far for my liking. I have gone from being able to watch a episode or two of my favorite show in a day in my free time to watching 5 or 6 episodes. When I am not watching that I am looking for something else to watch to kill time. Im looking for people to call so I can pause the DVR so I don’t have to watch commercials. I didnt go to group again this week. I slept right through my alarm, I dont even know how. That is completely uncharacteristic of me. I would be much more likely to wake up and shut the alarm off and say ‘screw it’ making a conscious decision to not get up. I have never been one to sleep through it never knowing it was going off. 

Suddenly my walls don’t look so strong anymore. Keeping complacency at bay is key to my staying sober and I know that. I cant believe I let myself get this complacent, but I am glad that I am able to recognize it. Complacency is not my friend. 

Unfortunately we live in a bad time where people think twice before helping someone that they don’t know, or don’t know very well. Such as if a person living near you leaves their car door open and its 1am. First thought is ‘I should close that for them.’ Second though is ‘What is someone already took something, then the police would see my fingerprints so I’ll just try to keep an eye out while I am awake.’

Sad stuff.

I was thinking about how healthy it is to maintain a friendship with an ex. I have come to the conclusion its as healthy as smoking 20 cigarettes, while drinking a mixture of straight lard and grain alcohol. 

I thought about you today
I smelled you in the breeze
Thats the way love is sometimes
Far gone but never lost
Im fine most of the time
Today I was not
Were friends you say
But the phone never rings
I tried sleep tonight
But you haunt my dreams

Your taste on my lips
Like a sweet kiss from a flame
The warmth in my stomach
Like sunshine on a cloudy day
I miss you so much now
Together we made the pain go away
We’ve drifted apart 
But in dark time your in my thoughts
Is this where you live now
Forever in my heart?

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